(Non) Confessions of A Cheap Pantie Addict

Hi,

My name is Maria, and I’m addicted to cheap panties. No. Not the kind you buy on sale at Victoria’s Secret (five pairs of cotton undies for $26? nice try. I know how to divide, and you’re not that slick (or cheap) Victoria’s Secret.) I’m hopelessly obsessed with the frilly and colorful, yet affordable, panties that beckon me inside stores like Discovery, Marshalls, Nordstrom Rack and T.J. Maxx. You’ve probably already concluded several things about me since I dropped the word “Discovery.” And some of those conclusions might be unfair, extreme, or perfectly legitimate. Fair enough. But before your hasty opinions completely mar your perceptions of my color-coded pantie drawer, at least consider the typical price I pay for a sexy bikini or racy thong at these large-scale establishments: $2-4. I can’t believe it either! The most I’ve ever paid for a pair of lacy knickers is $5 and that was largely due to an error. I’ve been buying cheap panties for almost a decade now and unless I marry into the Masotti family of the oh-so-couture La Perla lingerie line, you’ll never catch me skipping around in expensive underwear.      

Most people would call me a cheapskate. Or thrifty. And I would insist on being referred to as the former because it’s an accurate description of my fondness for bargain underpants. Why do I refuse to shell out more than a couple of dollars on a garment that will eventually get thrown out? Because it will eventually get thrown out. There are 7 days in a week, and 12 months and 365 days (366 this year) in a year. The average human being, especially the female of the species, will need a sizable number of underwear to last through the year and some of those cute panties won’t survive the normal wear and tear process. What do I mean by sizable? It depends. Check your undergarments drawer. Or wherever you toss your underthings. I’m sure you own more than twelve pairs of skivvies. If you don’t, please get thee to the nearest Marshalls as soon as possible!

According to an informal survey I conducted on the underwear buying trends of consumers in the Chicago area (my mom, two sisters and a cousin), the vast majority presently own at least 19 pairs of drawers (my cousin tossed out three last week. see? my mom doesn’t keep track of her “calsones” because she claims it’s “bad luck”). They spent anywhere from $7 (whoa!) to $10 (gasp!) per pair to cover their curvy bottoms. Now I ask: why would any sane person buy expensive panties? Before you start assaulting me with several compelling reasons for dropping serious money on undies (expensive lingerie makes me feel SEXY! I may need these really pricy panties some day! buying cheap underwear is CHEAP and TACKY Maria!), please answer this question: how often do you shop for knickers? Once a month? Twice a year? Whenever you run out of clean underwear? If an average of 25 percent of consumers purchase underwear each month and the average number of panties in your (the consumer) drawer is approximately 19 if you’re a woman and 17 if you’re a man (boxers or briefs I’m assuming), then a reasonable amount of cash is being forked over to cover your nether regions. We all love a good deal, so why wouldn’t the same frugal philosophy apply to underwear?

Lest you picture me lounging around in poorly crafted panties, allow me to emphatically proclaim that I don’t wear shoddy or shapeless underwear. When I said cheap, I was speaking in terms of price, not quality. My severe aversion to “high-end” panties stems from the obscene cost attached to the two pieces of flimsy material that hold this vital garment in place (one delicate piece if it’s a thong). I (and many other bargain-minded women) shop for “luxurious” underwear in large-scale retailers like T.J. Maxx for two main reasons: low cost and designer-worthy styles/brands. As a matter of fact, Marshalls states on its website you should “never pay full price for fabulous” goods like panties. Sounds like shrewd advice to me. You’ll find brands like DKNY, Calvin Klein, Hanky Panky, and Honeydew for less than half the price compared to department stores. Therefore, if you, the average (or non-average) consumer, are in possession of 19 (or 17) pairs of underwear and you didn’t shop at Discovery or Nordstrom Rack, your priorities need to be reevaluated. We’re all trying to make our money work for us during these shaky economic times. Don’t overspend on a necessary item like underwear when steals and savings are in abundance at all the right stores. Put away your pride!  

Now that I’m single again, every Friday night I tidy up and rearrange my alphabetized panty drawer, which boasts an impressive array of cheap, multi-colored and high-quality undies. Knowing I shopped (and paid) wisely for lacy skivvies gives me a sense of control in an ever-chaotic world. Remember, with great underwear hygiene comes great responsibility. Don’t just change your knickers daily and toss out any tattered pair. Be a savvy consumer and also shop for the lowest underwear price possible. And don’t disclose your real panty number: it’s bad luck!