5 Steps for Surviving a Breakup

Breakups are a pain. Literally. Research published in the “Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and the United States” confirms what most dumpees have always known: getting dumped feels like physical pain. The authors of the study assembled people who had been dumped six months before and placed them in a brain scanner. High heat was applied to the subject’s forearms and later they were instructed to look at a photo of the person who dumped them. The scans demonstrated that emotional pain activates the same area of the brain that processes physical pain. Apparently the brain can’t differentiate between the two.

So yes. Love hurts. And all dumpees have the right to heal their broken hearts. But how much time does it take to recover from a breakup? It can take anywhere from six to 18 months to mend a broken heart, according to Rachel Sussman of “The Breakup Bible.” I’m approaching month number two of my recovery, so the thought of dealing with heartache for another four to 16 months feels daunting and distressing. But this too shall pass. And until we’re fully over our exes (18 months? really??), there are at least five steps we can take to help ease the process of a rough breakup. 

1) Avoid your ex, which really means, “Cut off all contact, dammit!”—Look, in the beginning it’s hard to let go because you’re still in love and desperately clinging to the memories. But how can you move on and start healing if you’re texting, emailing or “Facebooking” your ex? A clean and total break is the most essential part of getting over someone. This isn't negotiable, heartbroken people. Trust me. I stopped emailing my ex several weeks ago and recently unfriended him on Facebook. Maintaining occasional contact with him was not helping me confront the daily reality of being without him. Plus, it stung to see how much he’s enjoying himself in a new country and meeting all types of interesting people (including beautiful women). What sane dumpee wants to see that after a breakup? You might think I'm resentful, which is the furthest thing from the truth. I'm just abnormally plagued with an immense amount of pride, dignity and self-respect. We all possess these traits (in normal doses). So use any means necessary for closure. If that means erasing her phone number, unfriending your ex from Facebook, and deleting his email address from your contact list, then so be it. You have to do whatever it takes to move on, including dismissing your ex from your life.      

2) Wallow in self-pity—This doesn’t necessarily mean you should throw a pity party for yourself every single day for the entire breakup period (18 months??). But you do have to mourn. There is no shame in being devastated over a breakup. After all, you love(d) this person, right? And you miss this person, yes? So accept these truths and mourn! Don’t put off the lengthy grieving process, which will surely backfire on you. Take a couple of weeks to cry, reflect and work through those painful emotions. Analyze the positives and negatives of your most recent relationship while listening to some pitiful music. There are happy memories to consider along with the realization that you’re growing and learning something valuable from this breakup, which you will carry into the next relationship. Then, after you’ve suffered enough, find motivation and get back into the thick of life. How?

3) Exercise!—We’ve all heard of endorphins. Well, exercise is an excellent way to improve your mood and get in shape. In fact, many studies indicate that people who exercise regularly benefit with a positive boost in mood and lower rates of depression. How does this happen? When you exercise, your body decreases stress hormones, such as cortisol, and releases natural, feel good chemicals called endorphins. Exercise also releases adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine (Depression is related to low levels of certain neurotransmitters like serotonin and norepinephrine.) These chemicals work together to make you feel good. Endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain, both physical and mental (I bet those people in the study I referenced earlier weren’t exercising). Not only do endorphins act as analgesics, but they also work like sedatives. The neuron receptors endorphins bind to are the same ones that bind some pain medicines. So sign up for yoga classes. Take long, scenic walks along a lake or river. Run! I’m a runner and running has been a blessing these past two months. Running is physically demanding, but the feeling I experience immediately after a grueling run (the so-called “runner’s high”) always gives me a more positive and energizing outlook on life. Not only have I lost weight (which means I’m bikini ready!), but I’m also being proactive by managing the stress of losing someone who meant a great deal to me.   

4) Pamper yourself!—Watch TV marathons (I’m partial to All in the Family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Three’s Company reruns), get mani-pedis, buy new clothes or underwear (the cheap kind!), get a facial or massage, sign up for dance classes (I’m getting back to my Flamenco roots!), try a new haircut (bangs?) or take a mini vacation. The point is to put yourself first once again and take care of your needs (it’s easy to put yourself second when you’re in a relationship). Do what makes you feel good. Enlist your friends for these pampering sessions if you don’t want to go solo. Before you know it, those six to 18 months will have passed and you’ll be a pro at the Flamenco (or Tango)!   

5) Wait before dating again—This is about as hard as breaking off all contact with your ex but just as necessary. It’s tempting to get back out there again after a breakup. You may want to distract yourself from the heartache by dating. Or your friends and acquaintances may pressure you to pursue new romantic interests. But don’t! You have to wait until YOU are completely ready to face the dating world once again. I learned this lesson the hard way several years ago after a difficult breakup. Barely a month had transpired before I was dating again. I wasn’t over my ex, but I hated feeling so lonely and miserable, so I jumped into a new “relationship.” Big mistake. After the initial excitement of a fresh body, I only ended up feeling more upset and conflicted. Rebounds rarely go anywhere but down (unless you get pregnant!). Besides, it's essential to be alone after a breakup in order to gain a fresh perspective and clear vision for the future. Being alone is not the same thing as isolating yourself from your friends and family. For you need moral support to get through a breakup. But you should embrace your new status as a singleton and be free of romantic entanglements. Remember: this is an important phase of self-rediscovery and independence, a time to reassess or redefine the meaning of happiness and fulfillment. As Sussman says, “You need to be happy again first and then you can find a new, healthy relationship.”

Duly noted. I’ll be running, writing, reading, dancing, working and socializing until I’m completely over my ex (18 months?) and feeling like my old self again. Then, I’ll re-enter the dating world with a renewed and sanguine outlook (I mean, those OkCupid and Chemistry inboxes are getting out of control).


If you're going through a breakup, what are some steps you're taking to cope with the process? Please share in the comment section!